It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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