The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way