i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
