My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
