I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
