i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I want to have your abortion
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
