Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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