i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
