Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
