things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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