if you like me you must not know who I am
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
