At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
