So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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