Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
