My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question