I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
