Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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