The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
