i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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