don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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