Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
