Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
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literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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