I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
