dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm sobbing to NWA
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
