Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
