i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize