Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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