All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
