You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
