I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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