My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
