Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
