She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
