She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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