She is in my trunk
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
