I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
