I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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