woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
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