It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
