I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Princesses don't give blow jobs
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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