Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
