I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i dont even know how to be here
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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