thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
