Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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