I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
