my phone needs a breathalizer
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
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I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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