I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
