I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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