I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
