Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
