I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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