I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
