this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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