the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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