my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
